im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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