Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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