Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So much Jack, so little girl.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
