I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
