U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
