Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
