im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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