I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
