I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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