The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
