also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
love makes seman taste better
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize