you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
