the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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