It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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