she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
