if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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