I want to have your abortion
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
