Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize