The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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