R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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