giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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