You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
