i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
