theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
