Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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