bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
