So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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