I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
