sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
