yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
