Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
