Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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