I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
