the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
