i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
