i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
