If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
