So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
