I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
