Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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