I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
