i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize