Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize