He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize