We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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