who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
