i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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