im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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