i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
