I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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