I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
