He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
