Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
