Pappa wants mamma naked
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
