After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
