i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
