Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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