I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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