just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
