this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
