I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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