Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
