you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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